Mind Vomit: Kiss With a Twist.

—

When I was little, like every kid, I loved Disney movies. They were revolutionary for me as a child growing into life. Besides my parents and grandparents, I think Aladdin and Jasmine were the first couple I saw kiss each other. Ever since their lip lock off the princess’ balcony, I acquired a curiosity as to how that must have felt.

Since I was still far too young to experience what Jasmine and Aladdin just had, I tried my best to simulate the sensation in my mind by making whatever connections I could to experiences I’d already had. I started with taking mental notes of typical behaviors of the specimen engaged in face coitus. That’s what the cool kids call it.

1. Closed eyes. (Because it’s that good)

2. Outstretched hand guiding opposite party. (Those lips have got to bump the mouth, not the nose.)

3. Moving mouth. (I’m told that’s the only way to kiss. Well.)

4. Look of enjoyment. (If they’re sucking face, they’re enjoying themselves.)

From these observations I made, I came to the conclusion that kissing someone you love with the deep passion illustrated on Aladdin and Jasmine’s faces would feel exactly like eating a delicious ice-cream cone.

1. Closed eyes. (Because it’s that good.)

2. Outstretched hand guiding opposite party. (That cone has got to hit the mouth, not the sidewalk.)

3. Moving mouth. (I’m told that’s the only way to eat. Food.)

4. Look of enjoyment. (If I’m eating food, I’m enjoying myself.)

The illusion was shattered years later when I finally made like Aladdin and Jasmine on the palace balcony, except I was in a grubby basement watching Jaws.

Kissing, unfortunately, is nothing like eating a delicious ice-cream cone I’m sorry to say. Unless the ice-cream cone was non-edible and was Five Hour Old Piece of Mint Gum flavored.

Anyway, this GIF reminded me of that remarkably irrelevant anecdote.

Because he’s totally eating her face like it’s a melting dairy treat.